3rd round of chemo plus Zarxio shots wiped me out last week. I could barely get out of bed for several days. People ask me how I find humor and stay positive, and I think “I have to”. The thought of not being there for my kids, shit, I can’t handle that. So I have to do whatever I can to get through this, again.

And then Taylor Swift drops this song she wrote about her mom’s cancer recurrence. I can’t stop 😭😭😭😭😭. I’ll be listening to "Lover" on repeat. Taylor Swift, please tour soon!!! My daughter and I are waiting to buy tickets as soon as I kick cancer's ass.

Listen here: Soon You’ll Get Better (feat. The Chicks) by Taylor Swift

Soon You'll Get Better
The buttons of my coat were tangled in my hair
In doctor's office lighting, I didn't tell you I was scared
That was the first time we were there
Holy orange bottles, each night, I pray to you
Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too
And I say to you...

Ooh-ah
Soon, you'll get better
Ooh-ah
Soon, you'll get better
Ooh-ah
You'll get better soon
'Cause you have to

I know delusion when I see it in the mirror
You like the nicer nurses, you make the best of a bad deal
I just pretend it isn't real
I'll paint the kitchen neon, I'll brighten up the sky
I know I'll never get it, there's not a day that I won't try
And I say to you...

Ooh-ah
Soon, you'll get better
Ooh-ah
Soon, you'll get better
Ooh-ah
You'll get better soon
'Cause you have to

And I hate to make this all about me
But who am I supposed to talk to?
What am I supposed to do
If there's no you?

This won't go back to normal, if it ever was
It's been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because
'Cause I have to

Ooh-ah
You'll get better
Ooh-ah
Soon, you'll get better
Ooh-ah
You'll get better soon
Ooh-ah
Soon, you'll get better
Ooh-ah
Soon, you'll get better
Ooh-ah
You'll get better soon
'Cause you have to

8/23/19

How did we get back here?

About a year ago I noticed a bump on my implant and that my scar tissue was feeling different. My oncologist retired after a heart attack and my care was transferred to a Physician Assistant. At my last two wellness checkups I brought up my concerns which were dismissed.

"Are you losing weight?" No. "Do you have joint pain or bone pain?" No. "Then it's probably just scar tissue or fat deposits". So as long as I'm not losing weight or having pain it's not cancer? "Yes".
All 3 areas grew and 2 were painful, so I found a new doctor and insisted on testing.

My cancer was hormone positive, so I'm on tamoxifen to suppress hormones which is supposed to prevent a recurrence. Fat necrosis was a more logical assessment but ultra sounds and MRIs can't tell the difference between fat necrosis and cancer, so the ever fun biopsies were needed.

It took an hour for the doctor to take 9 samples of the 2 tumors in my armpit as one was really deep and right on a muscle she didn't want to hit. She injected a ton of local anesthetic (which has made my thumb feel like it has carpel tunnel) and used an ultra sound to guide the needle to the right location. It sounded like a gun when she shot and pulled out samples to biopsy. Really weird feeling and experience. My arm kept going numb having to hold it over my head.
Needle biopsies were last Monday, on Wednesday they called me at work to let me know both tumors are cancer. It's been a mental rollercoaster to say the least. I went into today's appointment with surgeon prepared to say good bye to my new boob (look how pretty it is!) but now I may be able to keep it.

For now I'm just trying to get through surgery and the waiting game until we know more. I'm really hoping we can find some answers as to why my cancer came back, but more importantly figure out how we can completely eliminate it this time.

4/23/19